This One Had Better Be Good...

We are a little more than two weeks away from the unveiling of the final installment of the latest “Star Wars” trilogy, “Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.”

So why am I not more excited?

The first memory I have in my quarter-century existence came from “Star Wars.” I remember being a wee Ima and being in the now defunct King Giant Plaza Theater for a rescreening of the original film (Episode IV), as it was part of a double feature with “E.T.” I was maybe three at the time. Now I can’t actually remember anything from the movie. The only thing I remember was some guy in the lobby dressed up as Vader. My parents later informed me that they had to leave the theater during the showing of "E.T.", which played after "Star Wars," due to my uncontrollable bawling...that's right, I was scared of "E.T." Incidentally, I don't remember that either.

Anyway, I was hooked on "Star Wars". As a slightly older kid, I would bug the ever-loving shit out of the parents to the point that they would be practically forced to purchase all the Kenner action figures their meager wages could afford. I had mock lightsaber battles, as I switched between the Light and Dark Sides. That’s right…pathetic loserdom started for me at an early age and hasn’t stopped since!

However, when I say I’ve been a lifelong fan of “Star Wars,” it’s a statement that can be taken quite literally.

Now that I’m an older and wiser Tweeter, I find that I’m as much of a fan now, if not more so, of the “Star Wars” movies. The sense of nostalgia these films provide for me is unrivaled by just about anything I can think of. Of course, this statement and the aforementioned refer ONLY to the original trilogy (Episodes IV, V, and VI).

I’m not one of these people that believe that just because I like a certain series of films that said series can do no wrong. Thus far, I must say that I’m not all that impressed with the last two entries into the series, “Phantom Menace” and “Attack of the Clones.” I would venture to say that, to this point anyway, the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy has been FAR superior to the latest two “Star Wars” films. For me, “Revenge of the Sith” could make or break how I feel about the first three episodes of the series. Perhaps I’m holding the series to too high a standard. I mean, at least the trailers are impressive.

It’s difficult for me to get absolutely amped about “Revenge of the Sith” because it’s following the dismal “Episode II: Attack of the Clones.” Needless to say, I was thoroughly disappointed by Episode II. Now I’ve decided to go easy on Episode I, but I cannot forgive George Lucas for the 140 minutes of shit that is “Attack of the Clones.” What I’m trying to say is that coming off this turd, how great can one anticipate Episode III being? By default, you would think Episode III has got to be better…it can’t be much worse.

Here’s a short list of why I thought “Episode II: Attack of the Clones” sucked:

*The acting was putrid. Hayden Christensen couldn’t act his way out of a box. Yes, to steal a line, I have seen better actin’ in Tough Actin’ Tinactin. Even the talented Samuel L. Jackson looks like an amateur thespian as he spouts out the drivel that comprises the script. Christopher Lee is a joke as Dooku. Many reviews of the film say that the actors have the “cue card” style of line delivery. That’s tough to dispute.

*The dialog is like a glass of Boone’s Farm and Velveeta…weak and cheesy. Maybe this explains the shitty acting. Perhaps the actors felt awkward delivering some of the silliest lines in motion picture history. Here are a couple of true winners from the script:

`COUNT DOOKU to YODA: “It is obvious this contest will not be decided by our knowledge of the Force, but by our skills with a lightsaber!”

`ANAKIN: “I should be! Someday I will be…I will be the most powerful Jedi ever! I promise you! I will even learn to stop people from dying.”

`JAR JAR: “Exsueeze me, yousa honorable Supreme Chancellor, sir. Maybe dissen Jedi stoppen the Rebel Army.”

`PADME to ANAKIN: “I’m not afraid to die. I’ve been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.”

There are plenty of other lines that’ll just grab ya. Just check out the movie…

*Yoda fighting. He's my favorite character out of any movie I've ever seen. No one agrees with me on this, but it really pissed me off to watch a computer generated Yoda jump around the screen like a rabbit with a wasp in its ass. It completely ruined Yoda’s mystique. When his character was first introduced in Episode V, he was THE Jedi master. We knew he had kicked some serious ass in his time. We didn’t actually need to see him kicking ass. You gotta leave a little to the imagination.

*A big budget. Ya know, one of the coolest things about the original “Star Wars” film was that it was made, on what would be considered now and even then for that matter, a shoestring budget. Models were painstakingly crafted, and many of the wider shots in the film were actually paintings. Lucas and his crew poured everything they had into the original trilogy and used what was available to create effects that, for the most part, still hold up very well today. However, we live in an age where computers are the ultimate timesavers. Rather than working diligently to construct a masterpiece bit by bit, Lucas and his crew now plug a few things into a computer and it’s done. All this is easily affordable with the cash that Lucas got from the original trilogy, in which Lucas had to truly tap his artistic resources and be frugal while bringing his vision to life. Outrageous budgets have marred the movie-making process. The best films are made with heart and balls…not money.

“Attack of the Clones” drank urine…let’s face it. It’s do or die time for Episodes I-III, and it’s all riding on “Revenge of the Sith.” Will the birth of Darth Vader make for a classic or disaster? Before “Attack of the Clones” I would’ve said classic without hesitation. But now, I think maybe these films were made, for the biggest part, to cash in on the “Star Wars” franchise and not to convey the story, as should have been the intent.

So before you dust off your Stormtrooper uniform to line up at the theater for Episode III, remember “Attack of the Clones” and these wise words from Yoda:

“Lower your expectations, you must.”






By the way, everyone knows that I’m full of crap and, despite what I say, will be at the cinema with bells on and ready to be awed, just like the wee Ima long ago, in a theater far, far away...