Old People + Coupons = THE DEVIL!!!

"See, Martha! I told you there was a coupon for home enemas!"

Pennzoil Motor Oil. Latex Gloves. Deodorant. Elementary school-style toilet paper so coarse that “dropping the soap” would be less painful. Mammoth 8 oz. candy bars so big that they have Richard Simmons rolling in his grave (the average king size candy bar is around 2 oz., just to give you an idea of the enormity of these things). The potato chip-shaped turds that are Swoops candy.

What do these all have in common? You got it. They’re all either on sale or are reduced with coupons this week at Walgreen’s.

Who needs an 8 oz. candy bar? The answer is nobody. But try telling that to the average Walgreen’s customer, after they turn up their hearing aid that is.

That’s right. Old people jump at the opportunity to buy unnecessary shit, just as long as it’s on sale or there’s a coupon for it.

If a cashier greets a customer with a simple “Hi. How are you?,” they are immediately assaulted with a “This Scotch tape is two for $1.” No pleasantries are to be exchanged when it comes to sale shopping.

I’m all for frugality, but damn! These people are downright greedy. And don’t think they won’t dispute the shit out of the fact that their Epsom Salt didn’t ring up $3.99. The elderly are relentless in their pursuit to find bargains, and will argue the price of everything. Everything.

Here’s the thing. The elderly generally wake up really early. So they have the Sunday morning insert containing coupons and sale items for the week around 5 or 6 a.m. Employees don’t actually see these inserts until about 7 a.m. on Sundays. That means that the old people have an advantage over us. They know what’s on sale before we do!

Most elderly people that enter the store ONLY buy items on sale or things that there are coupons for. Twelve packs of off-brand gelatin is a little much. But I just work there. I’m just an observer now. Oh yeah, I’m the one getting bitched at by the 80-year-old women because the Depends didn’t ring up correctly.

Women are notorious bargain shoppers. However, elderly men are NO different. They’ll piss and moan about the price of something, whether it’s on sale or not. They can barely keep their dentures in while yelling about the price of their Metamucil and backing up the checkout line.

All old people have one thing in common. They don’t understand “regular price.” If something is on sale at two for $5, but one is marked $2.99 as the regular price, then $2.99 will be charged if only one is purchased. If two were purchased (which would be adhering to the guidelines of the sale), then one would ring up at the regular price of $2.99 and the other at $2.01. Old customers instantly believe that two for $5 should mean that one will be $2.50. This leads to countless headaches.

It’s just amazing. I guess you have to work with this to truly understand...

I have seen the face of evil....and it has wrinkles and liver spots.

Old people everywhere are waging a war against standard prices. Coupons are their weapons of mass destruction!