The Woes of Insomnia (A Viewer's Guide)
Despite what time it says I entered this post, it's actually 4:20 a.m. There's not really a whole lot to do at this time of night, though I see it most every night hoping it'll be different tomorrow. I know you are all in bed (except Clint). He's not missing anything by being at work. Your only real option for any semblance of normality this time of night is to watch TV. Since I know you guys have more sense than me, you miss all the late night TV. Sure, it would be easy to check TV Guide and see what you're missing at night, but 'ol Ima thought he'd give his take on TV this time of night.
If you actually what to see music videos instead of shows with bitchy people living together or Hal Sparks every five seconds, then you're in luck this time of night. Past 3:30 a.m. is the only time those shitheads at MTV and VH1 play videos. However, I hope you like Alicia Keys and Usher. Those are the only two they show.
Assuming you have Charter Cable, once you get past channel 30, every other station airs ads for penis-enlargement pills. There's more than one company producing and distributing these pills, but their ads are all the same. They always feature washed-up porn stars, the smart-assed creator of the "miracle drug", and a host so lousy and dweeby that he makes that guy who keeps winning on Jeopardy seem like "The Fonz."
In the kingdom of super late-night TV, Ron Popiel (the Ronco guy) reigns supreme. He sells rotisserie ovens that are no bigger than a toaster, unbreakable and unstainable knives, and even plungers. The knife ad really pisses me off. His lard-ass "cousin" slices and dices through numerous fresh foods. He fillets whole steaks. What gets me is that the bastard throws the food away after he carves it up. It's OK, Ron. We don't have starving people in this country. Ron Popiel touts himself as a great inventor. Kinda funny that most of Ron's "inventions" have actually been around for centuries.
TNT shows worn-out actions films this time of night (usually starring Sylvester Stalone). Two nights ago, it was "Cliffhanger." Two nights before that it was "Cobra." I'll take "Rocky V" over that any day.
Turner's other big network (TBS) is not immune to the customs bestowed upon late night TV movies. TBS is a graveyard for movies starring obese funnymen. A few nights ago, they showed "Uncle Buck." I think it was two nights ago "Matinee" aired, starring John Goodman. Tonight, you get "King Ralph." Now, I've really got nothing against these movies, but seeing a comedy starring a fat guy on TBS this time of night is about as sure a thing as 146 daily Alice in Chains songs being played between 95.9 and 99.3. I just know they're gonna show "Who's Harry Crumb?" at some point this week.
ESPN either airs baseball games from earlier that day or poker. Oh, they do this after about 78 episodes of SportsCenter. For some reason, I watch every one. Sometimes, I'll see how much of the show I can memorize for the next airing.
Disney shows lame cartoons like "Recess" (oh, bullshit! you know what I'm talking about). It makes me long for the days of Mickey, Donald, and Goofy.
The Golf Channel shows golf.
Our very own local station (channel 13 on Charter) airs local car dealers, droning on and on about their great deals. I know everybody who's up at 4:30 in the morning is thinking "Dang! Screw that whole sleep thing. I need a car!"
The news shown on CNN and Fox News is no less depressing this time of night.
The hottest girl you're gonna see on the tube this time of night: Aerial (that's right...The Little Mermaid). Just check out Toon Disney for that.
Sorry if I sound cranky. It's probably lack of sleep. On the other hand, it could experiencing this rehash of late-night TV every evening. I need a life. Bad. On the bright side, the sun will be up soon and will vanquish my tawdry ritual of living in a world of infomercials, bad movies, and reruns....until tomorrow night anyway.
Peace!
If you actually what to see music videos instead of shows with bitchy people living together or Hal Sparks every five seconds, then you're in luck this time of night. Past 3:30 a.m. is the only time those shitheads at MTV and VH1 play videos. However, I hope you like Alicia Keys and Usher. Those are the only two they show.
Assuming you have Charter Cable, once you get past channel 30, every other station airs ads for penis-enlargement pills. There's more than one company producing and distributing these pills, but their ads are all the same. They always feature washed-up porn stars, the smart-assed creator of the "miracle drug", and a host so lousy and dweeby that he makes that guy who keeps winning on Jeopardy seem like "The Fonz."
In the kingdom of super late-night TV, Ron Popiel (the Ronco guy) reigns supreme. He sells rotisserie ovens that are no bigger than a toaster, unbreakable and unstainable knives, and even plungers. The knife ad really pisses me off. His lard-ass "cousin" slices and dices through numerous fresh foods. He fillets whole steaks. What gets me is that the bastard throws the food away after he carves it up. It's OK, Ron. We don't have starving people in this country. Ron Popiel touts himself as a great inventor. Kinda funny that most of Ron's "inventions" have actually been around for centuries.
TNT shows worn-out actions films this time of night (usually starring Sylvester Stalone). Two nights ago, it was "Cliffhanger." Two nights before that it was "Cobra." I'll take "Rocky V" over that any day.
Turner's other big network (TBS) is not immune to the customs bestowed upon late night TV movies. TBS is a graveyard for movies starring obese funnymen. A few nights ago, they showed "Uncle Buck." I think it was two nights ago "Matinee" aired, starring John Goodman. Tonight, you get "King Ralph." Now, I've really got nothing against these movies, but seeing a comedy starring a fat guy on TBS this time of night is about as sure a thing as 146 daily Alice in Chains songs being played between 95.9 and 99.3. I just know they're gonna show "Who's Harry Crumb?" at some point this week.
ESPN either airs baseball games from earlier that day or poker. Oh, they do this after about 78 episodes of SportsCenter. For some reason, I watch every one. Sometimes, I'll see how much of the show I can memorize for the next airing.
Disney shows lame cartoons like "Recess" (oh, bullshit! you know what I'm talking about). It makes me long for the days of Mickey, Donald, and Goofy.
The Golf Channel shows golf.
Our very own local station (channel 13 on Charter) airs local car dealers, droning on and on about their great deals. I know everybody who's up at 4:30 in the morning is thinking "Dang! Screw that whole sleep thing. I need a car!"
The news shown on CNN and Fox News is no less depressing this time of night.
The hottest girl you're gonna see on the tube this time of night: Aerial (that's right...The Little Mermaid). Just check out Toon Disney for that.
Sorry if I sound cranky. It's probably lack of sleep. On the other hand, it could experiencing this rehash of late-night TV every evening. I need a life. Bad. On the bright side, the sun will be up soon and will vanquish my tawdry ritual of living in a world of infomercials, bad movies, and reruns....until tomorrow night anyway.
Peace!
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home