I'm not GLAD or N.I.C.E.

Well, it's been awhile since I updated. That's because nothing interesting ever happens to me. I work a high schooler's shift, and 6-11 p.m. are prime hours to work on being a non-pathetic loser. The only thing I have to gripe about is work so, I just had to mention this new monitoring system they've implemented recently.

Over the past couple of weeks, Citi has been using a system called N.I.C.E. The old method of monitoring was just to have bitter dickcheese who kissed enough ass to get in the quality department listen to your calls and score them. They could only hear the calls though. NOW, Citi employees are subject to the N.I.C.E. system. More on that in a few.

All along, Home Depot CSRs have had to follow a call outline called GLAD. It stands for Greet, Listen, Assist, Delight. If the acronym wasn't gay enough, here's a mock call that I devised, using Mr. David Azuma as the caller, to show how stupid this shit sounds:

CSR: Good evening and thank you for calling Home Depot Credit Services. This is Brad. To further assist you, may I get your account number? (Sounds reasonable enough......so far)
Azuma: (gives account #) Yes, I was calling in because I have been charged a late fee on my account.
CSR: Okay, Mr. Azuma, for verification I just need to get the last four digits of your SSN. (OK so far)
Azuma: 1234
CSR: Thank you, Mr. Azuma. I understand you wanted to see about having a late fee removed? (We have to repeat what the customer wants back to them....this is where it starts to get ridiculous...they call this a "restatement phrase"...if you don't do it, you get 15 points automatically docked from your score)
Azuma: Yeah.
CSR: Okay, Mr. Azuma, I'll be more than happy to see about having that late fee removed. Please allow me to review your account for just a moment. Okay, we can go ahead and remove the late fee from your account as a one-time courtesy adjustment. (We are required to use the phrase "more than happy"...and that pisses me off...happy is a superlative emotion...you can't be more than happy...anyway, this is called a "willingness statement"...if you don't do it, that's 15 points off)
Azuma: Thank you. That's all I'll be needing for today.
CSR: Okay, Mr. Azuma, was there anything else I can help you with? (even if the customer specifies their needs have been met, you have to ask if there's anything else we can help with....if you don't, 10 points off)
Azuma: Uh, no.
CSR. Well, Mr. Azuma, thank you for calling Home Depot Credit Services.

Every damn call has to sound like this. If I had a scanner, I'd put up the guidelines sheet. My QC average for last month was 55%. I can't bring myself to do this stuff. It sounds much dumber than what I've typed out here, trust me. This GLAD system was developed by people who have never taken a call....the heads of Home Depot Credit. But apparently, it's so effective that people in regular customer service (not Home Depot) have to follow it now.

Now, I'll briefly discuss N.I.C.E. What this little bundle of joy does is it allows the person monitoring you to view your computer screen. They want to make sure that employees aren't on the internet or checking schedules during calls. If you accidentally bring up your schedule (which is online) during a call, you get points off. They can view exactly exactly what you type and where your mouse cursor moves. If I were to type "everyone in the QC department smokes baboon poles" and then quickly delete it, they'd still see it. N.I.C.E. randomly selects one call a day to monitor, so QC scores have been dropping like french fries down Rosie O' Donnell's gullet. Big brother's watching us at Citi. Pretty soon, we'll have to ask for bathroom breaks (which we actually did at one point while I was in USAC, but that's a whole different story).

Well, I'm done griping...for now. I have to go get ready to be GLAD and N.I.C.E. Keep it real.