That's Real Puddin'!

A Paint rendition of the event. (Click to enlarge)

Yep, it’s officially official. ‘Ol Ima is a pussy.

I’m a total doucher. I can’t sleep right now. Here’s why….

Today, upon my return from ETSU, I was immediately greeted by the annoying children who live on the hill above me.

“Do you have a car jack?” The boy inquired.

“No, but my dad does,” I responded. See, dad took over Guinevere (the CRV) so I could afford to go back to school. I knew there was a jack in there. The cute girl on the hill, neighbor to the annoying kids, had a flat tire. Dad went to fix it and I went to help, just to see if the Pimp Hand gave off a natural, silent vibe (and it doesn’t, by the way).

Well, we plugged the tire with the equipment dad had and walked back down the hill. Dad was storing away the stuff we had used to fix the chicky’s flat. I was standing up near the end of the driveway, playing with a pair of pliers. It was then that the water meter cover caught my eye.

“Ya know, I’ve heard Black Widow spiders like to live under the water meter lids,” I said with the glee of a child trying to impress an adult with my recently ascertained useless knowledge.

“Bullshit,” Dad laughingly replied.

“Fine,” I said. “I’m only repeating what I’ve heard.”

“Well, lift the fuckin’ lid and see,” he said.

“No!” I replied. “What if I stick my finger in the cover’s hole and there actually is one in there? I’m not risking getting bit.”

“Fine, chickenshit,” he said. “My money’s on a snake anyway.”

Curiosity was getting the best of me. I knew for shit sure there wasn’t a snake in there, but I had to see what was. I had to see if the information I had received about the favorite hideouts of Black Widows was true.

I stuck one handle of the pliers into the hole in the lid and slowly pulled the lid open, moving it to the side, exposing a feathery web. However, there was no sign of life other than a few crickets.

“Just a few crickets,” I said.

Dad, either fearless or completely stupid, puts his finger in the water meter cover’s hole and flips it over. What I saw caused me to freeze up like Mike Vanderjagt with 5 seconds left, down by two and facing the New England Patriots. I just couldn’t do a damn thing.

On the rim of the now inverted lid was the ominous being. Roughly the size of a nickel, one of nature’s most vile creatures was perched. The demonic gleam of its black, metallic thorax was enough to send instant shivers up my spine. What I was seeing was now sinking in. The myth was true!

Well, despite the fact that the cute girl was still outside and I witnessed my dad step on the spider and end its wretched existence, I shrieked. It was a shrill so feminine that my 7-year-old little girl neighbor would be envious that she could not possibly duplicate it. To combat my goose bumps, I snapped into a shimmy so retarded looking that Antoine Walker would be like “Damn! What the shit’s wrong with him?!”

I threw down the pliers and ran in the house, rapidly rubbing my arms. I was acting like this after I witnessed the destruction of the Black Widow. It was gone! Still, I was in complete chickenshit mode.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” My mother asked. “Did ya see a snake?”

“Far worse,” I said. “Far worse.”

And this brings me to now. I can’t stop thinking about that fucking spider. I went to Sonic earlier, not without checking inside my shoes before leaving, though. The entire ride in my car to the restaurant was filled with fearfulness. I was thinking “They could be hiding in here. They could be in here with me right now. I’d never see them.”

I actually checked under my sheets before lying down in bed. Thoroughly. The coast is all clear. Still, whenever I lie down and close my eyes, all I can see is the shiny arachnid that had obviously been living under that lid for some time. I see its long, robotic legs. I see the bright red hourglass. I see its petite fangs dripping with venom. I’ve been severely arachnophobic for years. This event has probably set my battle to overcome that back about 25 years. I wish we hadn’t checked. I wish I wouldn’t have had to have known…

In this case, curiosity killed the spider. But it did something else….









It ruined a good night of fucking sleep!