How the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 'Shaped' the Youth of the Nation

The numbers don’t lie. Kids just keep getting fatter.

We can see that obesity in children has continued to increase over the past 15-17 years. What’s to blame for this? Hershey’s? Nestle?

I say no. It’s obvious to me who the sadistic culprits are in the fattening of this country’s youths. It’s none other than the “heroic” Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The TMNT exploded into the realm of pop culture icons with a sonic-boom like entrance in the late 1980’s. The sudden and insane popularity of Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael exposed children to a new breed of superhero. It also opened them up to be preyed upon by greedy advertisers and merchandisers who don’t hesitate to strike while the iron’s hot.

It’s no secret that children are easily influenced by what they see and hear on television. The TMNT changed the way kids conversed with one and another and everyone else for that matter. The dialect of American youth became bombarded with words like “cowabunga” and “gnarly.” The children of this nation were putty in the three-fingered hands of the Ninja Turtles!

It’s not so bad that kids began speaking like the Turtles. Hell, that’s the point of catchphrases and everyone’s guilty of using one in conversation. There’s no harm in that. The fact that some kids imitated the Turtles and beat the ever-loving shit out of one another isn’t so bad either. HOWEVER, when an animated figure(s) can be held responsible for literally changing the shape of the nation, well friends, that’s simply unforgivable.

As we all know, the Ninja Turtles loved their pizza. Like clockwork, they ate the crap out of it every week. Hell, the TMNT are solely responsible for the revitalization of the pizza industry. Pizza sales skyrocketed to coincide with the popularity of the newest action heroes on the block. Oh, you best believe that chains such as Pizza Hut and Domino’s were lickin’ their chops to win the bidding war so they could have product tie-ins with the Turtles.

Pizza Hut won.

But in actuality, there were no losers in this whole situation. See, the pizza industry was at an all-time high, TMNT merchandise was selling like 2/$5 12-pack Cokes at Walgreen’s. No, those involved with the Turtles certainly weren’t losing. As for the kids…well, they sure as shit weren’t losing any weight.

Kids scarfed down endless slices of fatty, greasy pizza because they had been advised by the TMNT that it was delicious, “radical,” and nothing else should be eaten. NOTHING else.

Well, statistics show that the well being of children in reference to their weight began to diminish at this time in comparison to what it had been in years prior. What it basically boils down to is that kids were sitting at home watching TMNT, all while gorging themselves with fucking pizza!

While the popularity of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has faded over the years, the monster that was created from the show has not. And this beast is far worse than Krang or Shredder could ever be. Creators of popular children’s programming since the TMNT have seen the power they have at their disposal. The Turtles could’ve consumed turds from the sewer in which they resided, and we would've had a nation of poop-hungry kids. I’m sure Power Rangers and Pokemon candy sold shitloads. Kids get fatter while those involved with the program and candy/junk food makers get richer with product tie-ins. It continues to this day.

In conclusion, I blame the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the fattening of children. The cartoon is the best example of product placement that could be presented. They just ate pizza. Just pizza. And the entire industry benefited. While the wallets of the show’s creators and those tied into the show got fatter, so did the children. Using cartoons to sell products to children is a practice that surely won’t end anytime soon. Everyone thank the TMNT.

Splinter should’ve put the Turtles on protein shakes and pears. That would’ve been truly heroic…







P.S.—I just reread this post….I REALLY need a girlfriend.