The Inaugural "People Ima Hates" Awards (a.k.a--The Stueys)

Oh-ho, kids! It’s time for Ima’s Inaugural “People I Hate Awards!” These awards are presented by me, via this site, to famous people I can’t stand. Now, I’ve decided to stay away from politics. I’m a total pussy and don’t wanna stir up any shit. These awards won’t be annual or semi-annual or anything like that. Just whenever a new crop of people whom I hate come to mind, I’ll be presenting more awards. This post will be the first group. However, I won’t award anymore if this post was a total waste of everyone’s time, so it may be the last.

I feel that the awards needed a better name than the “People Ima Hates Awards,” so they will henceforth be known as the Stueys, named after that piece of shit Stuart Copeland of Police fame. Me and the boys had a discussion about why I hate this guy, but here’s a recap. For one, he’s a shitty drummer. You could lop off Rick Allen’s other arm and he’d be a better drummer. Sting could play drums better with his feet, all while playing bass, frying an omelet, gargling Lime flavored Shasta, getting punched in the balls by an angry midget, and reading a newspaper upside down. Oh, and it also pisses me off that Mr. Copeland, being the arrogant prick that he is, actually believes that he was one-third of the Police. Sting probably has a fucking hernia from carrying this guy’s weak ass for all those years. Then, Sting had an epiphany. He realized that HE was the Police and he could drop the other two assholes. That was about twenty years ago. I wonder what Stuart Copeland does for a living now. Probably something where someone says to him at some point everyday: “Nah, I want the onion rings instead of fries.”

Anyway, I hate Stuart Copeland and the Stueys are named in his dishonor. So let’s get on with the hatin’!


The “Makes Ima Envious” Stuey: Ellen DeGeneres


Why do I hate Ellen? Well, Ellen and I have a couple of things in common: we have practically the same hair style and we like women. Ellen legitimately seems like a good person. You can tell from her talk show that entertains thousands of grandmas daily. Why do I hate Ellen DeGeneres? Just take a look at the pic below:

That’s Ellen’s girlfriend, Portia De Rossi. I have a penis and can’t score a piece like that. Hence, I hate Ellen DeGeneres.


The “Latrell Spreewell ‘I have kids to feed’” Stuey: Terrell Owens

I actually find his on-the-field antics amusing. The desecration of the Dallas Cowboys’ Star. The pompoms. The Ray Lewis mockery. And, of course, the Sharpie incident. These were all fine with me. It’s what this dumbass does off the field that makes me hate him. First, this cocky bastard thought he was too good to play for the mighty Ravens. Now, as we know, he was holding out on the Eagles because his dickhead agent said it would be a good idea. He’s made some really fucking stupid comments in his career (although the shit about Jeff Garcia was entertaining…I’ll let that slide). But, while receiving criticism for his little holdout period, he dropped the cream of the crop as far as stupid-ass comments:

“At the end of the day, I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"

WHOA! Did I just read that right? This dickhead actually compared himself to Jesus! I hate when athletes pull this angst-ridden, “I’m so hated, everyone’s against me, and it's all about me” shit. Shut the fuck up T.O. and happily get your overpaid ass back on the field! Bitch.


The “Hall and Oates ‘You can rely on the old man’s money’” Stuey: Nicole Richie

Nicole, you’ve never had to lift a finger and your dad’s a freakin' pussy. But, this little bitch drops her daddy’s cash like she’s been dropping weight lately.

I’m also giving one to her cohort Paris Hilton. I hate her too.


The “Thanks for helping to create a nation of stupid little girls” Stuey: Jessica Simpson

Recently, I met a girl who acted just like Jessica Simpson. I wanted to fucking choke her. She was far and beyond the most annoying human being I’ve ever met in my existence. Simpson is helping to create a nation of dumb “prostitots” by the way she acts when her moronic ass is on television. I feel bad for all the 16-year-old guys out there who are actually looking for a girl to have an intelligent conversation with (then again, it ain’t much better for 25-year-olds).

Oh, by the way, I hate Britney Spears too. However, I think her 15 minutes seem to be winding down, so I'm not even wasting my time with her.


The “Crazy Asshole who snagged a hot piece of ass” Stuey: Tom Cruise

This damn lunatic berated Brooke Shields because she took medicine for depression, all because the fake religion he follows says that medicine is bad. Dumbass. So he goes on Oprah…acts like a fuckshit. Did the same on The Today Show. So, of fucking course, he’s bound to end up with a super cutie like the adorable Katie Holmes.

Dammit.


The “Goes Without Saying” Stuey: Michael Jackson

Just look at him. Need I say more?




There you have it! That’s my first group of Stuey winners. I’m sure there will be more to come...there's plenty of hatin' to go around. Stay tuned!