Nostradumass
“The Matrix won’t make a dime. I mean, Keanu Reeves is the star? Give me a break. Nobody’s gonna see that.”
“Titanic will be the biggest fucking flop in the history of motion pictures.”
“Kevin Garnett will be a shitty basketball player, will be out of the league in two years and end up washing cars for a living.”
(Upon hearing Nickelback for the first time) “Good Christ! I’ll be shocked if we even hear about this band 6 months down the road.”
Every fucking one of my NBA predictions from the beginning of last season. Check the archives on this fine site to see how badly I missed ‘em.
(When I was 19) “Surely I’ll get laid sometime in the next decade!”
These are just a few examples of predictions I have made that have been horribly off. As you can see, a soothsayer I am not. But never, NEVER have I been so off with a prediction as I have been with the Arizona Cardinals.
“Kurt Warner will be an MVP candidate. Leinart won’t see a minute of action.”
Uh, no. As has been the case now for every team he’s played for, he lost his job. Four games into the season this time. That sucks, I’m sure. But I imagine it would be even shittier to be married to someone with a bigger cock than you. I hate that for ya, Kurt.
“Edge’s gold tooth will be shining in the desert sun.”
Edge is a former rushing title winner. How could the Cards go wrong? The guy’s a stud! Their passing game is so good, it’ll open things up for Edge to run free. Well, here’s a list of NFL backs having a better season than Edge: Laurence Maroney, Chester Taylor, Joseph Addai, Willie Parker, Frank Gore, DeShaun Foster, Tatum Bell, and Maurice Jones-Drew. And there are a multitude of others. I just listed these guys because I hadn’t heard of half of the fuckers before the season started. So, I have a new prediction for Edgerrin James: Within two years, Edge will be shining shoes in the desert sun.
“The Cardinals possess a top 10 defense. I wouldn’t be shocked to see them pitch a couple of shutouts.”
Currently, they are ranked 23 in the NFL in total defense, surrending around 340 yards and 24 points a game.
“They have two top 10 receivers. With a decent running back, how could these guys not best what they did last season?!”
Well, Fitzgerald is out and teams can home in on Boldin. I think Leinart will be fine, but not this year. My expectations of the two stud receivers have now been tempered, to say the very least.
“Denny Green will be coach of the year!”
HA!
“The Cards will AT LEAST finish 10-6. They’re superior to the Seahawks and playoff bound!”
I think you see what I’m getting at. The Cards followed up a mythic collapse against Chicago with a complete ass-pounding at the hands of the Raiders (the equivalent of a good high school team). I admit it. I was wrong. Way wrong. This post is my way of admitting defeat.
The Arizona Cardinals suck more dick than a fat girl at a frat party. They’re truly one of the most pathetic teams in sports, if not THE most. And my dumb ass bought into the hype. I still owe Clint and Hoosh a keg from last season when I bought into this crap. Unfortunately, I can’t plead total dipshitdom to get off the hook for it.
Now, I’ll be shocked if the Cardinals win another game. Period. Yeah, a lot of my predictions are wrong, but damn. I think I’m done making sports predictions. Being a pathetic, bitchy loser is more my speed. Prognostication is definitely not.
Well, at least I didn’t have to go through with the whole "Meatloaf" thing. I predict that would've been bad.
“Titanic will be the biggest fucking flop in the history of motion pictures.”
“Kevin Garnett will be a shitty basketball player, will be out of the league in two years and end up washing cars for a living.”
(Upon hearing Nickelback for the first time) “Good Christ! I’ll be shocked if we even hear about this band 6 months down the road.”
Every fucking one of my NBA predictions from the beginning of last season. Check the archives on this fine site to see how badly I missed ‘em.
(When I was 19) “Surely I’ll get laid sometime in the next decade!”
These are just a few examples of predictions I have made that have been horribly off. As you can see, a soothsayer I am not. But never, NEVER have I been so off with a prediction as I have been with the Arizona Cardinals.
“Kurt Warner will be an MVP candidate. Leinart won’t see a minute of action.”
Uh, no. As has been the case now for every team he’s played for, he lost his job. Four games into the season this time. That sucks, I’m sure. But I imagine it would be even shittier to be married to someone with a bigger cock than you. I hate that for ya, Kurt.
“Edge’s gold tooth will be shining in the desert sun.”
Edge is a former rushing title winner. How could the Cards go wrong? The guy’s a stud! Their passing game is so good, it’ll open things up for Edge to run free. Well, here’s a list of NFL backs having a better season than Edge: Laurence Maroney, Chester Taylor, Joseph Addai, Willie Parker, Frank Gore, DeShaun Foster, Tatum Bell, and Maurice Jones-Drew. And there are a multitude of others. I just listed these guys because I hadn’t heard of half of the fuckers before the season started. So, I have a new prediction for Edgerrin James: Within two years, Edge will be shining shoes in the desert sun.
“The Cardinals possess a top 10 defense. I wouldn’t be shocked to see them pitch a couple of shutouts.”
Currently, they are ranked 23 in the NFL in total defense, surrending around 340 yards and 24 points a game.
“They have two top 10 receivers. With a decent running back, how could these guys not best what they did last season?!”
Well, Fitzgerald is out and teams can home in on Boldin. I think Leinart will be fine, but not this year. My expectations of the two stud receivers have now been tempered, to say the very least.
“Denny Green will be coach of the year!”
HA!
“The Cards will AT LEAST finish 10-6. They’re superior to the Seahawks and playoff bound!”
I think you see what I’m getting at. The Cards followed up a mythic collapse against Chicago with a complete ass-pounding at the hands of the Raiders (the equivalent of a good high school team). I admit it. I was wrong. Way wrong. This post is my way of admitting defeat.
The Arizona Cardinals suck more dick than a fat girl at a frat party. They’re truly one of the most pathetic teams in sports, if not THE most. And my dumb ass bought into the hype. I still owe Clint and Hoosh a keg from last season when I bought into this crap. Unfortunately, I can’t plead total dipshitdom to get off the hook for it.
Now, I’ll be shocked if the Cardinals win another game. Period. Yeah, a lot of my predictions are wrong, but damn. I think I’m done making sports predictions. Being a pathetic, bitchy loser is more my speed. Prognostication is definitely not.
Well, at least I didn’t have to go through with the whole "Meatloaf" thing. I predict that would've been bad.
2 Comments:
At 6:34 PM ,
Clint said...
Hilarious. Coincidently, I think I've been present when you've made every one of those predictions....haha.
At 1:05 PM ,
Hoosh said...
I think you should make 1 more prediction to clear you of all your other Prognostications. But before you go out on a limb, I would start small with like, the Cardinals will win at least 1 more game this year. Ya know, just something to build your confidence, and then once you get the ball rolling you can start predicting 10 win seasons and Playoff teams..."playoffs? playoffs?"...such as Golden State and your 1st place Boston Celtics pick. You should have your own segment on the Chappelle Show..that is if they ever bring it back.
Instead of "Negrodamus" you could have a segment call "Imadumbass." Just kiddin playa. As much as Clint and I rag you on those bets, it has provided some great entertainment. Granted it's at your expense, but the Cardinals? Come on now, Ima.
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