My Next Big Purchase
Well, ‘ol Ima had a job interview and offer today….and turned it down. See, they only had a part-time position of 20 hours per week available. With that, there’s no way I could afford this snazzy pad in Johnson City and the Cadbury Eggs I had for dinner tonight.
More importantly, however, working so little would rule out the “big” purchase that I’ve recently given thought to and want to make within the next few years.
A house?
No.
A car?
Uh-uh.
A grand piano?
Nope.
No, none of the above. I’m talking about a mail order bride.
See, I’m not getting any younger and the window of opportunity to utilize the pimp hand is quickly fading. I’m fat, lazy, and pathetically out of shape. I ridiculously suck at bowling. When I smile I resemble one of those evil pig brothers from the U.S. Acres segment of the Garfield Saturday morning cartoon and I’m short on confidence with just about everything I do. That said, how could this mail order bride thing not work for me? It may be my only chance.
It’s just too cool. Check out this information I got from the Cherry Blossoms website. Cherry Blossoms is one of the leading mail order bride services. Here’s their basic “tour” plan:
Our Basic Tour is $995 and works as follows:
1. A profile of yours is sent to our Agent.
2. Based on what you are looking for, our Agent schedules 20 to 30 women to meet with you.
3. Upon your arrival, our Agent will introduce you to 5 or 6 women daily.
4. We will continue to do this for up to 7 days or as needed if you do not need so many.
Are you kidding me?! Five or six women daily?! Every day?! I don’t even know five or six women! Plus, I get to practically choose the types of five or six women that I want to meet. Now that’s a deal not even that doucher Howie Mandel could offer a contestant on his new game show.
But wait….there’s more. There’s also the advanced tour:
Our Advanced Tour is $3,995 and includes all of the above plus:
5. Airfare from where you are to the tour city.
6. Hotel accommodations, three or four star depending on the Country.
7. Immigration Support using our A to Z Fiancee Visa Package valued at $575.
How could anyone pass this up? If I want to meet an Asian gal, then it’s a go. If I want a Russian chick, it’s not a problem. And we all know from Andrei Kirilenko’s wife how wild those Russian girls can be.
Plus, many of these girls come from a life in which they are subject to difficult economic situations. Hell, I’d be helping someone out! This would actually make me a better person.
I informed my dad of my plans. Here’s how that conversation went:
IMA: “Dude, I’m thinking about getting a mail order bride.”
DAD: (turning his head back) “Sheeet.”
IMA: “It’s perfect. I can actually buy a wife. An Asian one. It’d only cost $1000!”
DAD: “Hell…it’d cost a thousand to buy one and $50,000 to get rid of her.” (he then “Barney Rubble” laughs at his own comment)
What does he know anyway? Jerry Rice actually finished second on Dancing with the Stars. He also said once that Scottie Pippen was his favorite player. I should have beaten him for that alone.
So, for a $1000 tour, I could meet the future Mrs. Hicks. And I know she’d be a great woman full of love, warmth and traditional values. How could this not be a great thing for me?
More importantly, however, working so little would rule out the “big” purchase that I’ve recently given thought to and want to make within the next few years.
A house?
No.
A car?
Uh-uh.
A grand piano?
Nope.
No, none of the above. I’m talking about a mail order bride.
See, I’m not getting any younger and the window of opportunity to utilize the pimp hand is quickly fading. I’m fat, lazy, and pathetically out of shape. I ridiculously suck at bowling. When I smile I resemble one of those evil pig brothers from the U.S. Acres segment of the Garfield Saturday morning cartoon and I’m short on confidence with just about everything I do. That said, how could this mail order bride thing not work for me? It may be my only chance.
It’s just too cool. Check out this information I got from the Cherry Blossoms website. Cherry Blossoms is one of the leading mail order bride services. Here’s their basic “tour” plan:
Our Basic Tour is $995 and works as follows:
1. A profile of yours is sent to our Agent.
2. Based on what you are looking for, our Agent schedules 20 to 30 women to meet with you.
3. Upon your arrival, our Agent will introduce you to 5 or 6 women daily.
4. We will continue to do this for up to 7 days or as needed if you do not need so many.
Are you kidding me?! Five or six women daily?! Every day?! I don’t even know five or six women! Plus, I get to practically choose the types of five or six women that I want to meet. Now that’s a deal not even that doucher Howie Mandel could offer a contestant on his new game show.
But wait….there’s more. There’s also the advanced tour:
Our Advanced Tour is $3,995 and includes all of the above plus:
5. Airfare from where you are to the tour city.
6. Hotel accommodations, three or four star depending on the Country.
7. Immigration Support using our A to Z Fiancee Visa Package valued at $575.
How could anyone pass this up? If I want to meet an Asian gal, then it’s a go. If I want a Russian chick, it’s not a problem. And we all know from Andrei Kirilenko’s wife how wild those Russian girls can be.
Plus, many of these girls come from a life in which they are subject to difficult economic situations. Hell, I’d be helping someone out! This would actually make me a better person.
I informed my dad of my plans. Here’s how that conversation went:
IMA: “Dude, I’m thinking about getting a mail order bride.”
DAD: (turning his head back) “Sheeet.”
IMA: “It’s perfect. I can actually buy a wife. An Asian one. It’d only cost $1000!”
DAD: “Hell…it’d cost a thousand to buy one and $50,000 to get rid of her.” (he then “Barney Rubble” laughs at his own comment)
What does he know anyway? Jerry Rice actually finished second on Dancing with the Stars. He also said once that Scottie Pippen was his favorite player. I should have beaten him for that alone.
So, for a $1000 tour, I could meet the future Mrs. Hicks. And I know she’d be a great woman full of love, warmth and traditional values. How could this not be a great thing for me?
Hmm…then again, I’m kind of a tightwad. Plus, mail order brides are kinda like prostitutes, except there’s commitment. There’s a degree of sleaziness about the whole thing.
Ya know, on second thought I’ll just save my money for candy and internet porn.
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