BUT I JUST DID THAT....VAN DAMMIT!!!
Once upon a time, Jean-Claude Van Damme was part of the upper-echelon of Hollywood action stars. He could have easily been mentioned in the same breath as Schwarzenegger and Stallone. How could an actor of such diverse talent and monstrous film credentials seemingly fall off the face of the earth? The answer: Redundancy.
Here’s a little background. Van Damme has appeared or starred in numerous action and/or martial arts pictures. A man of superior intelligence (apparently), Van Damme claims that he learned English by watching episodes of “The Flintstones.” The “Muscles from Brussels,” as he was once hailed, began his study of the martial arts at age 12. How could he have known at that time what his studies would lead to? How could he have known he’d soon become one of the biggest action stars in the world?
Well, the dumb bastard should’ve seen the downfall coming. Redundancy and simple Hollywood rehash killed the career of Jean-Claude Van Damme. It wasn’t the cocaine or his multiple divorces. Just doing the same film over and over, a practice still widely used in today’s film-making world.
To prove my point, I’ve decided to examine three of Van Damme’s films. All of these have such staunch similarities, once explained it will be quite clear why Van Damme must now resort to quest spots on TV rubbish like NBC’s “Las Vegas” to fuel his blow habits.
The three films that I will look at are “Lionheart,” “Kickboxer,” and, of course, “Bloodsport.” Now “Bloodsport,” the film for which I most fondly remember Van Damme, varies slightly from the other two. So I will begin by comparing “Lionheart” and “Kickboxer.”
In 1989, I had the dubious honor going to the theater to watch “Kickboxer.” I was a wee Ima at the time, but remember anxiously wanting to view what was sure to be an early classic in my life. The only thing I remember about seeing this piece of shit in the theater was that the film broke during the climax, and it took the guy in the booth nearly 30 minutes to fix it. So what should’ve been a 100-minute turd ended up being more than two hours. Ugh.
Anyway, I have since went back and viewed this winner now that I’m an older and more analytical person. Here’s a brief plot summary for those who’ve never seen it. Van Damme and his kickboxing champ brother are in Thailand as his brother has to fight there. Well, Van Damme’s brother is crippled by the dastardly Tong Po in battle and confined to a wheel chair. Van Damme swears to avenge his brother and defeat the unbeatable Tong Po.
Okay. That being summarized, here’s the plot summary for “Lionheart.” Oh, I also want to add that AMC (American Movie Classics) shows this film from time to time. A station with the word “Classics” as part of its acronym should NOT being showing shit like this. But here’s the summary of the film: Van Damme is serving in the French Foreign Legion. Well, his brother gets his ass kicked, so Van Damme stows away to America to get to the bottom of what has happened. Well, in this one, his bro dies and Van Damme decides to take part in underground fighting to help his widowed sister-in-law pay some bills. However, he is followed by two officers from the Foreign Legion who want to catch up to Van Damme for abandoning his duties.
The whole "brother getting decimated" thing not like enough for ya? Well, friends, the similarities don’t end there. In both films, Van Damme meets and befriends an African-American character whose duty it is to show Van Damme the “ins and outs” of the area in which he is now seeking revenge. This character is there to add “comic relief” and utilizes snappy comebacks and wit to win both Van Damme and audiences over. Also, this character does “air punches” in both films…ya know, like he’s right there kicking ass with Van Damme but not actually fighting anyone.
Van Damme is also a foreigner to said area in both flicks. So, this aids in making his character an underdog, as he lacks “homefield advantage” and is generally ignorant of his surroundings. That is, up until he meets the character mentioned in the previous paragraph. Then he’s fucking Magellan all the sudden.
Starting out, the members of the crowd who view Van Damme’s fights are extremely against him. However, in both movies, the crowd ends up chanting, in unison, a nickname for Van Damme as he wins fights and the hearts of those in the crowd. In “Lionheart,” the crowd simply chants “Lionheart.” That’s original, huh? In “Kickboxer,” the Thai crowd chants what sounds like “Noc-su Cow,” which means “White Warrior.”
Oh, and you’d better believe that the climatic battle in both films are very alike. In both of these “classics,” Van Damme must work his way up defeating henchmen and all-around jobbers. Then, in the end, he must do battle with seemingly invincible foes. In “Lionheart,” the final fight is with a breathing mountain named Attila. In “Kickboxer,” it’s Tong Po. In these battles, Van Damme gets beaten and tossed around until he finally sees “within himself” and realizes that he has more heart and will than his opponent. Of course, Van Damme comes out victorious.
My all-time favorite Van Damme flick is “Bloodsport.” This is the one that broke him into the realm of Hollywood action star. I wonder if Van Damme knew at the time that this would be the same film he’d make for the rest of his career.
I will now describe the similarities it shares with the other two films mentioned. Van Damme plays Frank Dux. Dux decides to go AWOL from the Army (much like he did from the Foreign Legion in “Lionheart”) and enter a deadly karate tournament known as the Kumite. So, Dux flees to Hong Kong, once again making Van Damme’s character a stranger in a strange land. However, Dux is trailed by two Army officials who want him back in America (does that sound slightly familiar?).
Dux is almost immediately befriended by a character named Ray Jackson, who will soon take the place of his brother in the film. On a side note, Jackson is played by Donald Gibb, Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds,” one of my favorites ever.
In “Bloodsport,” the wise-cracking, sharp-tongued African-American character is replaced by a scrawny Hong Kong resident, who knows both English and everything about the “mysterious” Kumite. If the Kumite is such a big secret, then I want to know why everyone in the damn movie knows about it.
The villain is reigning and undefeated Kumite champion Chong Li. Like Tong Po, Chong Li is brash, arrogant, and uncaring. Yeah, they make him out to be one bad motherfucker.
Once again, Van Damme’s character easily dispatches his opponents, leading up to the inevitable showdown with the super badass that is Chong Li. In “Bloodsport,” as the crowd is won over by his valor and honor in fighting, they begin chanting “Dux” over and over. Again, the crowd begins to chant something as they begin to root for Van Damme’s character.
At one point, Chong Li must face Ray Jackson, Dux’s best friend. Chong Li, of course, destroys Jackson, leaving him laid up in a Hong Kong hospital. Even though he would’ve had to duel with Chong Li eventually anyway, Dux now has extra incentive to defeat Chong Li, as he vows revenge for his fallen friend.
In the final battle, Chong Li beats on Dux quite a bit. Then, during a break in the action, Dux looks “within himself” and recalls the training he received from his mentor, Tanaka. It is after Dux finds his inner strength that he defeats the vile Chong Li, and is victorious in the Kumite.
Another thing all three of the films have in common is that at some point, Van Damme’s character screams “NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!” in a thick, Belgian accent. I don’t know if these “no’s” are there for comic relief, but they sure provide it.
So there you have it. As you can see, there is a simple formula to the films of Jean-Claude Van Damme. And that formula is:
Van Damme + Martial Arts + Revenge + Wise-cracking sidekick + Van Damme’s character foreign to the area + Super Badass Villain + Van Damme Defeating Jo-Bro Henchmen or Opponents + Crowd chanting for Van Damme + At some point Van Damme screaming “NNNOOOOO!” + Van Damme looking “within himself” to rise up and ultimately achieve victory = HOLLYWOOD GOLD!!!
It's too bad for Van Damme that moviegoers got tired of this formula. Now I’m not saying that they films aren’t entertaining, I’m simply saying that they’re all the same. See, sometimes change is good. Work shouldn’t be this monotonous if you’re a movie star. It’s not like taking phone calls at Citi. Van Damme had a choice. Unfortunately, he chose to do the same movie over and over and over. I believe it is this that led to the demise of Van Damme as a premier action star. Someone should’ve told him it never hurts to try new things.
Hence, we can all learn from Jean-Claude Van Damme. Get out there. Try new things. Don’t get caught up doing the same thing over and over. Experiment. For Pete’s sake, don’t make “Kickboxer” every day of your life….you have to throw a little “Timecop” in there every now and then!
Here’s a little background. Van Damme has appeared or starred in numerous action and/or martial arts pictures. A man of superior intelligence (apparently), Van Damme claims that he learned English by watching episodes of “The Flintstones.” The “Muscles from Brussels,” as he was once hailed, began his study of the martial arts at age 12. How could he have known at that time what his studies would lead to? How could he have known he’d soon become one of the biggest action stars in the world?
Well, the dumb bastard should’ve seen the downfall coming. Redundancy and simple Hollywood rehash killed the career of Jean-Claude Van Damme. It wasn’t the cocaine or his multiple divorces. Just doing the same film over and over, a practice still widely used in today’s film-making world.
To prove my point, I’ve decided to examine three of Van Damme’s films. All of these have such staunch similarities, once explained it will be quite clear why Van Damme must now resort to quest spots on TV rubbish like NBC’s “Las Vegas” to fuel his blow habits.
The three films that I will look at are “Lionheart,” “Kickboxer,” and, of course, “Bloodsport.” Now “Bloodsport,” the film for which I most fondly remember Van Damme, varies slightly from the other two. So I will begin by comparing “Lionheart” and “Kickboxer.”
In 1989, I had the dubious honor going to the theater to watch “Kickboxer.” I was a wee Ima at the time, but remember anxiously wanting to view what was sure to be an early classic in my life. The only thing I remember about seeing this piece of shit in the theater was that the film broke during the climax, and it took the guy in the booth nearly 30 minutes to fix it. So what should’ve been a 100-minute turd ended up being more than two hours. Ugh.
Anyway, I have since went back and viewed this winner now that I’m an older and more analytical person. Here’s a brief plot summary for those who’ve never seen it. Van Damme and his kickboxing champ brother are in Thailand as his brother has to fight there. Well, Van Damme’s brother is crippled by the dastardly Tong Po in battle and confined to a wheel chair. Van Damme swears to avenge his brother and defeat the unbeatable Tong Po.
Okay. That being summarized, here’s the plot summary for “Lionheart.” Oh, I also want to add that AMC (American Movie Classics) shows this film from time to time. A station with the word “Classics” as part of its acronym should NOT being showing shit like this. But here’s the summary of the film: Van Damme is serving in the French Foreign Legion. Well, his brother gets his ass kicked, so Van Damme stows away to America to get to the bottom of what has happened. Well, in this one, his bro dies and Van Damme decides to take part in underground fighting to help his widowed sister-in-law pay some bills. However, he is followed by two officers from the Foreign Legion who want to catch up to Van Damme for abandoning his duties.
The whole "brother getting decimated" thing not like enough for ya? Well, friends, the similarities don’t end there. In both films, Van Damme meets and befriends an African-American character whose duty it is to show Van Damme the “ins and outs” of the area in which he is now seeking revenge. This character is there to add “comic relief” and utilizes snappy comebacks and wit to win both Van Damme and audiences over. Also, this character does “air punches” in both films…ya know, like he’s right there kicking ass with Van Damme but not actually fighting anyone.
Van Damme is also a foreigner to said area in both flicks. So, this aids in making his character an underdog, as he lacks “homefield advantage” and is generally ignorant of his surroundings. That is, up until he meets the character mentioned in the previous paragraph. Then he’s fucking Magellan all the sudden.
Starting out, the members of the crowd who view Van Damme’s fights are extremely against him. However, in both movies, the crowd ends up chanting, in unison, a nickname for Van Damme as he wins fights and the hearts of those in the crowd. In “Lionheart,” the crowd simply chants “Lionheart.” That’s original, huh? In “Kickboxer,” the Thai crowd chants what sounds like “Noc-su Cow,” which means “White Warrior.”
Oh, and you’d better believe that the climatic battle in both films are very alike. In both of these “classics,” Van Damme must work his way up defeating henchmen and all-around jobbers. Then, in the end, he must do battle with seemingly invincible foes. In “Lionheart,” the final fight is with a breathing mountain named Attila. In “Kickboxer,” it’s Tong Po. In these battles, Van Damme gets beaten and tossed around until he finally sees “within himself” and realizes that he has more heart and will than his opponent. Of course, Van Damme comes out victorious.
My all-time favorite Van Damme flick is “Bloodsport.” This is the one that broke him into the realm of Hollywood action star. I wonder if Van Damme knew at the time that this would be the same film he’d make for the rest of his career.
I will now describe the similarities it shares with the other two films mentioned. Van Damme plays Frank Dux. Dux decides to go AWOL from the Army (much like he did from the Foreign Legion in “Lionheart”) and enter a deadly karate tournament known as the Kumite. So, Dux flees to Hong Kong, once again making Van Damme’s character a stranger in a strange land. However, Dux is trailed by two Army officials who want him back in America (does that sound slightly familiar?).
Dux is almost immediately befriended by a character named Ray Jackson, who will soon take the place of his brother in the film. On a side note, Jackson is played by Donald Gibb, Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds,” one of my favorites ever.
In “Bloodsport,” the wise-cracking, sharp-tongued African-American character is replaced by a scrawny Hong Kong resident, who knows both English and everything about the “mysterious” Kumite. If the Kumite is such a big secret, then I want to know why everyone in the damn movie knows about it.
The villain is reigning and undefeated Kumite champion Chong Li. Like Tong Po, Chong Li is brash, arrogant, and uncaring. Yeah, they make him out to be one bad motherfucker.
Once again, Van Damme’s character easily dispatches his opponents, leading up to the inevitable showdown with the super badass that is Chong Li. In “Bloodsport,” as the crowd is won over by his valor and honor in fighting, they begin chanting “Dux” over and over. Again, the crowd begins to chant something as they begin to root for Van Damme’s character.
At one point, Chong Li must face Ray Jackson, Dux’s best friend. Chong Li, of course, destroys Jackson, leaving him laid up in a Hong Kong hospital. Even though he would’ve had to duel with Chong Li eventually anyway, Dux now has extra incentive to defeat Chong Li, as he vows revenge for his fallen friend.
In the final battle, Chong Li beats on Dux quite a bit. Then, during a break in the action, Dux looks “within himself” and recalls the training he received from his mentor, Tanaka. It is after Dux finds his inner strength that he defeats the vile Chong Li, and is victorious in the Kumite.
Another thing all three of the films have in common is that at some point, Van Damme’s character screams “NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!” in a thick, Belgian accent. I don’t know if these “no’s” are there for comic relief, but they sure provide it.
So there you have it. As you can see, there is a simple formula to the films of Jean-Claude Van Damme. And that formula is:
Van Damme + Martial Arts + Revenge + Wise-cracking sidekick + Van Damme’s character foreign to the area + Super Badass Villain + Van Damme Defeating Jo-Bro Henchmen or Opponents + Crowd chanting for Van Damme + At some point Van Damme screaming “NNNOOOOO!” + Van Damme looking “within himself” to rise up and ultimately achieve victory = HOLLYWOOD GOLD!!!
It's too bad for Van Damme that moviegoers got tired of this formula. Now I’m not saying that they films aren’t entertaining, I’m simply saying that they’re all the same. See, sometimes change is good. Work shouldn’t be this monotonous if you’re a movie star. It’s not like taking phone calls at Citi. Van Damme had a choice. Unfortunately, he chose to do the same movie over and over and over. I believe it is this that led to the demise of Van Damme as a premier action star. Someone should’ve told him it never hurts to try new things.
Hence, we can all learn from Jean-Claude Van Damme. Get out there. Try new things. Don’t get caught up doing the same thing over and over. Experiment. For Pete’s sake, don’t make “Kickboxer” every day of your life….you have to throw a little “Timecop” in there every now and then!
1 Comments:
At 12:13 PM ,
Clint said...
Pure gold, Ima. But you didn't even mention the turd of all-time, Double Team! Besides that, hilarious stuff, man.
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