DANcing with the Stars

Whoa-ho! I apologize to you, my loyal readers (both of you). It’s been nearly two months since I put anything on here. That’s mainly because NOTHING of any interest whatsoever has been going on for me. Jack shit. I’m King Nothing. I have been trying to locate a career for myself since I don’t like the program I’m in at ETSU. Oh, I did, for the first time, order a pizza online the other day. Fucking amazing, huh?

Last night I went back home to have my momma do my laundry. Pathetic…I know. Because I’m hurting for something to post about, I figured I’d mention what went on while I was there. Not really funny, but interesting. I arrived a little past 8 p.m. Just in time for “Dancing with the Stars.” Now, I guess you kind of have to know my dad (named Dan…hence creating the crude attempt at a pun in the title of this post) to find the following events evenly remotely interesting. I was aware that the old man watched this show, I was not aware that he did so with the ferociousness that he does. He was seriously into this show.

I suppose it was like watching sports to him, almost like he had a “Dancing with the Stars” fantasy team or pool going. He ripped the contestants, from dancing technique to appearance, like an old person tears into a Shoney’s buffet. I don’t know when the man, who some would classify as a “redneck”, became a fucking ballroom dance expert. Apparently he’s picked up a new hobby over the last couple of weeks, to go along with his gun remodeling projects. Here’s a synopsis of how the show went:

“Celebrity” Lisa Rinna was finished dancing and being scored for her performance. After a dancer is finished, they are interviewed. I couldn’t focus for a second on what she was saying. I was distracted by those huge, disgusting blisters around her mouth.

Oh shit! Those are her lips. I had to remark:

“Ya know, her lips look like shit.”

“Yeah, that’s what I told the old woman (my mom) the other night,” dad said. “If she didn’t have all that fucking crap pumped into her lips, she might look halfway normal. What’s that shit? You know what I’m talkin’ about. That shit old women put in their lips.”

“Collagen.” I said.

“Yeah, that’s the shit…collagen,” dad replied.

“She’s had a tit job too,” said mom, wanting to put in her two cents.

“Well, there ain’t nothing wrong with that,” dad said. “Maybe you should look into that, woman.”

Wrestling’s Stacy Kiebler is on this season’s edition and, according to my dad, the favorite to win.

“Watch this bitch, boy,” he said. “She knows how to shake that ass.”

I didn’t see a whole lot of ass shaking as she danced to a Kelly Clarkson song and just kinda angrily kicked her dance partner around.

After she was done dancing, one of the judges (Bruno) heralded her performance.

“I think 'ol Bruno has a woody for this Stacy chick,” dad remarked.

When it was Jerry Rice’s turn, dad began provided his expertise on dancing that he somehow recently acquired. Now the only way that this guy would know anything about dancing is if they pulled a “Matrix” with him…they would have to pump the information into a plug in the back of his head.

“Man, Jerry fucking sucks. His technique is fucking terrible.”

What the hell does this man know about dancing technique?

“Ya know, he’s arguably the greatest football player of all-time,” I said.

“Well, he’s downgrading his ass big time. He sucks.”

Okay, I agree with the old man. Jerry Rice is a shitty dancer. No denying it. After Jerry was through dancing, he was receiving critique from one of the judges. The judge said something to the effect of Jerry was the worst dancer of the remaining group, but he was a winner for giving an effort.

Jerry then interrupted the judge and said: “Ya know what? You can say whatever you want, but I’m already a winner for coming out here and giving an effort and giving 100 percent.”

“THAT’S JUST WHAT HE SAID YOU DUMB SONOFABITCH!” dad screamed at the television. “He just fucking told you he was proud that you’re trying…..damn!”

“Well, at least he is trying,” mom chimed in.

He then proceeds to yell one last thing at the television:

“YOU SUCK, JERRY!”

This man is heckling Jerry Rice, not for football, but for his dancing ability. Amazing.

“Jerry’s ass is gone tomorrow,” dad said.

“Nah,” mom said. “He’s got to many football friends.”

The way the show works is that the dancers all perform on Thursday night’s show, then the lowest scorer is booted on Friday’s show, making this a two-night event.

Next was Nick Lachey’s brother. This guy is apparently famous for nothing more than being Nick Lachey’s brother. Nick Lachey is in turn famous for nothing more than being Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband. So, this makes Drew Lachey a “star” for being Jessica Simpson’s ex-brother-in-law.

Now, this prompts some Ima opinion. Why do these “with Celebrities” or “with Stars” shows have no-talent hacks like this on them? Why have people no one has ever heard of or can easily recognize what you’re famous for? I think they should. I questioned dad about this:

“If it’s called ‘Dancing with the STARS’, shouldn’t they have people that you’ve heard of?” I asked.

“I don’t give a shit, I just like to watch ‘em dance,” he said.

I tried to imagine people my dad would consider “stars”, and I kept coming up with people like Gabe Kaplan from “Welcome Back Kotter” and Ed Asner.

Lachey and his partner were dancing to “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

“Man, they ain’t dancing right to this song,” dad said. “It ain’t goin’ good with the music.”

I started to wonder if my dad danced when no one was around.

“Damn, I like that song,” dad said.

This prompted me to fight back a laugh. I bit my lip to try and retain the eminent audible snicker. It didn’t work. So, I started sucking my teeth to deter from the laugh that had escaped. The old man continued.

“HELLFIRE! I love to hear that Kim Carnes sing! I got that shit on tape! I tell you what, she can flat out sing!” (Incidentally, it was Bonnie Tyler that sang “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, not Kim Carnes, but I didn’t correct him.)

So, the show ended with dad eagerly anticipating tonight’s results show. I think he realizes he snaps into “pussy-mode” for duration of this program. After it ended, he showed all the gun projects he had been working on.

Hopefully I’ll have something more interesting (like me finding a job) to post about later.